When it's the New Year

New Year, Same Me

11 years ago, I wrote "nothing's new year." I lamented with the writer of Ecclesiastes that "there is nothing new under the sun" and whined that I’ve rarely seen change in my own life.

Despite years of being a new years resolution person, I have finally settled into a more natural rhythm with the earth - the middle of winter is no time for a drastic life overhaul. It's probably why so many resolutions fail.

It could also be because most resolutions are too big and too far out of alignment with the true identity of the resolver.

But I think the biggest thing I have realized is that, well, whether I like it or not, as I flip the calendar over, I'm still me.

I'm still me after the best day of my life and still me after the most embarrassing moment.

I am still me when I'm religious and me when I'm not.

I'm me when I try to become one with my couch and me when I run three miles (well, pretend I could do that haha).

I'm me when I yell at my daughter and me when I'm patient and gentle with her.

I'm me when I desperately want to be anything but me. And I'm still me when I kinda like myself.

I spent so much of my life running from me. Hating me.

This past year, that hatred came to a head in the ugliest possible way.

Then, I woke up. Still. Me.

So, I gently began asking myself the question, what if I started to nurture "me," the real, genuine me? Not the me I have been trying to be or the me that I hide behind because if the real me was exposed then everyone would leave. But me? What if I nurtured her, instead of trying to suffocate her or snuff her out?

So, I began to do just that. Nurture her as if my life depended on it, because it very much did.

And well, I sorta started to fall in love with her for the first time maybe ever.

I fell in love with her quirks, idiosyncrasies, desires, secret dreams, comforts, and passions.

I fell in love with her flaws, her shortcomings, her failures.

Whatever she had, I chose to nourish. In turn, she chose to show me more of herself.

I guess in this "new" year, I'm rooting for you to fall in love with... well, you.

Because every single day I draw breath, I'm still me. You are still you. And that's pretty amazing.